Going Over The Top
by Sheo Darren
Summary: Total Eclipse crack fic. Welcome to a hilarious world dominated by the Blitzkrieg Exhibition of TSF Athleticism, where Yuuya is genre savvy, Yui starts off closer to Top Jelly instead of Top Tsun, and Kazusa (who?) survives... sort of XD


**Yamato Damashii-**

BANG!

Gretel Jeckeln, Political Officer of the 666th Tactical Surface Fighter Squadron "Schwarzesmarken", blew away the smoke from her Pistolet Makarova.

"Heresy," she accused. "YAMATO DAMASHII should always be spelled in all caps and underlined."

**…Grammar Nazi… if you didn't have such a pretty face and pert rack and lovely rump, I wouldn't let you get away with this…**

The bespectacled East German girl's face turned cherry red. "T-t-that is s-s-sexual harassment, C-C-Comrade Author!" Gretel brandished her pistol threateningly. "B-b-behave yourself!"

**Make me.**

BANG! BANG! BANG!

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**YAMATO DAMASHII**** _noun_ The spiritual and cultural values and characteristics of the Japanese people. Currently associated with Japanese nationalism. _Compare with:_ "AMERICA!", "For Mother Russia!", and "Mabuhay ang Pilipinas!"**

**The Muv-Luv multiverse, sans the rom-com-themed Muv-Luv and Altered Fable, run on the World War II version of Ya-**

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BANG!

**You're really very distracting, Gretel, will you stop shooting for a minute because I AM WRITING!**

"Write it correctly, Comrade Author! And no flirting! The Party forbids it!"

**Not my party! And I'm not flirting! I'm just enjoying the eye candy!**

"W-w-why, y-y-you-"

BANG! BANG! BANG! RATATATATAT! ROCK IT LAWN CHAIR!"

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**-Muv-Luv runs on YAMATO DAMASHII like cars run on gasoline or Gen Urobuchi on despair. With sufficient infusion of the stuff, Japanese characters can transform into Super Eishi. Yes, even Naoya Sagiri, who happens to be a Level 2 Faggot Extraordinaire, or Yuuya Bridges, who is only half-Japanese.**

**And that leads to the question: What does it mean to be Japanese? What is Japanese? What is Yamato?**

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"Prepare to fire the wave motion gun!" ordered Captain Juzo Okita aboard the refurbished space cruiser Yamato.

Yuuya blinked. "Wait, that's the wrong Yamato…"

"Prepare to fire the gravity blast cannon!" ordered Captain Yurika Misumaru aboard the space battleship Nadesico.

"Still the wrong Yamato," Yuuya maintained.

"Gabumon changes!" yelled the… whatever that furry critter is supposed to be. "Garuromon!"

"Somebody else's lives are flashing before my eyes," Yuuya groaned. "And I'm not dead or drunk yet…"

.

Shota Yuuya watched his father and mother biking in the bedroom.

"I want to ride my bicycle!" Masatada Takamura sang. "I want to ride my bike! I want to ride my bicycle! I want to ride it where I like!"

"Oh, Masatada!" Mira Bridges whined. "I want to be your bicycle! Ride me here and now!"

[REDACTED] followed.

.

Yuuya's gaze glazed. "I need a drink," he ordered Natalie. "And a picture of a TSF."

* * *

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**Going Over The Top**

A Muv-Luv Alternative Total Eclipse Crack Story

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**Disclaimer**

Sheo Darren does not own the tiniest whit of the Muv-Luv franchise.

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**Dedication**

To **Sky Zephyrus**. Rise from dogeza, worthy soul. MadoKami is kind.

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* * *

**Chapter One**

_Onore, Koucade, Destroyer of Worlds!_

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**1998 (three years earlier)**

"(Welcome back to the Twenty-Fifth BETA, the Blitzkrieg Exhibition of TSF Athleticism! Before the commercial break, we witnessed the total party kill of the South Korean contingent, Zerg Rush! Now it's the turn of Team Yamato Damashii from Kyoto, Japan!)"

Yui Takamura, fourteen year old Imperial Guard trainee hailing from the Kyoto Royal Guard Academy, made one last adjustment to her skintight Fortified Suit. _Either it rides up my crotch or it feels like I'm wearing nothing at all,_ she thought. _Stupid sexy suit…_

Satisfied with the state of her outfit, which was adorned with the brands of their team's corporate sponsors, she perched sleekly atop her Type 82-F Zuikaku Twin-wheel Single-track Frame, TSF for short, bicycle for the filthy commoners.

This was it. Her first sortie in the BETA. She could do this. She was samurai. She had trained for this. She, the rider, was one with her horse, her TSF.

And she was not alone. Her friends would be with her. Yui looked over her shoulder, looked them over. Aki Iwami. Izumi Noto. Shimako Kai. And last but not least Kazusa Yamashiro, who had been her rival until Yui befriended her.

Kazusa caught her looking. The princess-haired girl smiled at Yui, who returned the expression.

"Let's do this. Yui Takamura! Ikimasu!"

"(Going, going towards the light,)" blared the speakers strategically scattered throughout the 25th BETA grounds._ "(_Going, going with faith... Take your hidden feelings and change them into your strength. Do it!)"

"Going, going towards the future," Yui and her friends sang along Kumi Koda as their squadron zipped through the side of the road designated for TSF use. "Going, going straight ahead... Every night has a dawn. You'll see a brand new dawn…"

The mission was simple. Get to the Fortress designated Takeshi's Castle by any means possible.

Obstacle after obstacle barred their path. Speed bumps. Speed limits. Old ladies hobbling across zebra crossings. A chain of kindergarten and elementary students toddling across zebra crossings. A panda-colored Toyota AE86 Trueno pursued by a souped-up Honda Today police car with the shotgun-riding officer yelling "You're under arrest, Takumi-kun!"

The girls handled them with aplomb. They went around the obstacles or over them. There were some close calls, but somehow they escaped without a scratch.

"I survived the eight minutes of death!" Aki cheered when they reached the said mark, the average survival time of TSF novices tackling the BETA for the first time. "Who's the girl?"

And then she was tackled clean off her bike by a big black man decked up in football gear.

"Destroyer!" Yui yelled too late.

"Spear!" John Ross exclaimed from his seat next to Jerry Lawler. "Spear!"

"Woah!" crowed Terry Tate as he hauled himself off his victim. "You tempted Tate, girl! Don't you know you can't fight Tate?"

The starry-eyed Aki blushed. "Can I have your autograph, Tate-sama?" she shyly asked.

"Sure, kid."

AKI IWAMI SPEARED flashed across the big screen.

"Akiii!" her friends screamed.

"We have to go on," Yui managed to croak. "Even without Aki, we must carry on…"

Shimako was the next to fall. One of the obstacles proved reflective and cast a glaring ray of light across her eyes. The gentle-looking girl was briefly blinded.

"MY VI-SION IS IM-PAIRED! I CAN-NOT SEE!"

Per BETA safety rules, she halted her TSF. A nearby team of paramedics helped her safely dismount her vehicle and guided her off the track.

SHIMAKO KAI EX-TER-MI-NATED wordlessly screamed the screen.

"Shimakooo!" her friends shrieked.

It progressively got worse from there. More and more of their squadron fell to various hazards. Each time they screamed out the name of the fallen. Only Yui, Kazusa, and Izumi made it to the resupply station.

While guzzling a cup of Pocari ion drink at the resupply point, Izumi abruptly broke into tears. "At this rate," she wept, "We'll never avenge my nameless boyfriend!" Said boyfriend had fallen during an earlier BETA, swarmed by the cute corgi puppies that served as one of the myriad punishment details of the unforgiving athletics meet.

Yui seized Izumi's trembling shoulders. "Snap out of it, Izumi!" she counseled. "Pull yourself together!"

"You're not a trainee anymore," Kazusa agreed. "You're an eishi now. We're all eishi. A band of sisters."

"Girls," Izumi sobbed. "I won't let you down…"

"Let's do this!" Yui urged.

**Secret Boss 1**

**DINOSAUR TANK**

"What's that thing doing outside the Tsuburaya Production grounds?" Yui wheezed as she and her friends frantically pedaled away from the rampaging _Kyoryu sensha_.

"I heard he moonlights on other productions," Kazusa panted.

"So that was really him in Nobody Dies?" gasped Izumi.

"(I'm a mother-[REDACTED] T-Rex!)" Dinosaur Tank blared from the speakers in its mouth. "(I'm a mother-[REDACTED] T-Rex!)"

"This can't get-" Izumi began.

"Don't say it!" Yui and Kazusa warned.

"-any worse!"

**Secret Boss 2**

**SHAGOHOD**

"It just did," Yui groaned as a nearby hill fell apart to reveal the hitherto camouflaged Russian super tank, which sandwiched them between it and the Dinosaur Tank.

"(BOMB!)" Dinosaur Tank roared.

"(OBNOXIOUS RAMMING TECHNIQUE!)" Shagohod retorted.

Cool crashed into Awesome.

A flash of light. Another turn of the page.

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Disheveled but mobile despite losing her TSF to the earlier train wreck, Yui pulled out her spring-piston powered pellet gun pistol. She began prowling the area, looking for any signs of her friends.

She quickly found Izumi. But there was no helping her friend. A pack of corgi puppies were licking and nibbling at the fallen girl.

"My nameless boyfriend," Izumi bemoaned over the yipping and yapping of the same cute but cacophonous critters that had humiliated her BF, "I have failed to avenge you…"

Yui clamped her left hand upon her mouth to stifle the urge to dramatically scream out Izumi's name. She moved slowly, carefully, avoiding the attention of the puppies lathering her fallen friend's body with sticky warm saliva.

"Yui," went a groan that sent a chill shiver down her spine. "Help me…"

Kazusa was trussed up shibari-style by the popped chain of her wrecked TSF. Her metal bonds had smeared lubricant oil all over her body-hugging Fortified Suit.

Stress does weird things to people. "Why, Kazusa," Yui couldn't help but pun, "You didn't have to wrap yourself up for me…"

Kazusa hastily stifled a laugh. Then her eyes went wide. "Yui!" she whispered.

The puppies had spotted them!

Yui hastily aimed her pistol at the oncoming carpet of charm. But there were too many. And they were puppies. Puppies! What kind of sick freak would want to do awful things to puppies?

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_In the dorf fortress Battlefailcannonboatmurder, the dorf Overseer sneezed right as he reached for the lever that would dump the fort's entire population of puppies into a pool of magma. ("Down go the puppies," was his rationale for the project, "Up goes FPS rate…)_

_Instead he tugged on the SUDOKU (Shut Up, Dorfs! Over Kill Undertaking) lever. Seconds later, magma consumed the entire fort and consumed everything in it, including the puppies._

_And Armok was pleased by the sacrificial samadh of his blood slaves, and permitted a reclaim of the fort..._

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Cut off from Yui by a ring of yapping puppies, Kazusa despaired. "I don't want to go down this way," she sobbed. "Yui… Please shoot me…"

"Kazusa," Yui choked out.

"Yui…"

"Kazusa…"

"YUI!"

Flinching, her eyes full of tears, Yui fired. "KAZUSA!"

To her credit, despite shaking hand and tear-blurred eyes and panic, her first plastic pellet hit Kazusa.

Unfortunately, she hit her friend's left breast.

"Kyah!" squealed Kazusa in a very immodest manner. "Not there, Yui!"

"I'm sorry, Kazusa!" Yui hastily racked the slide of her pellet gun. "Let me try again!"

This time she hit Kazusa's right breast.

"Nyah! Where are you aiming, Yui?"

"Ah, solly, so belly solly!" The panicking Yui was lapsing into stereotypically-accented English as she tried again.

Kazusa arched so fiercely that she nearly popped her oil-soaked bonds of steel. "Waaahhh! Not between my babies!"

Yui was firing as fast as she could pump her pistol. But she was only hitting erogenous zones on Kazusa's writhing body except for that one human-shaped target silhouette at the corner of her eye that prompted a reflexive response.

The friendly neighborhood Yakuza running the nearby shooting gallery handed Yui a fluffy plushie. "Congratulations," he bid.

"Thank you very much," Yui said while bowing politely.

"Yui!" The puppies had nearly reached the squirming Kazusa, who was already wet all over, especially between her legs.

"Kazusa!" Yui pulled the trigger of her pistol, but the piston clacked on an empty chamber.

RELOAD! the screen urged. RELOAD!

"I don't have any spare magazines," Yui responded.

SHOOT OUTSIDE THE SCREEN!

"But that's dangerous!"

YOU AREN'T RELATED TO SOUSUKE SAGARA, ARE YOU?

"YUI!" shrilled Kazusa as the puppies' lolling pink tongues closed on her.

With no other recourse left to her, Yui hefted her pistol. "I'm sorry, Kazusa," she sobbed. "I'm so sorry!"

She threw her gun at her friend, watched the weapon arcing through the air on a ballistic trajectory with Kazusa's navel.

Yui belatedly recalled her friend always took great care to clean it during the group baths. She had always wondered why Kazusa was so careful in her ministrations of that depression.

"Uh, oh…"

"YUUUIII!"

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Yui's gaze glazed. "Kazusa died," she muttered.

Yuuya nodded sagely. "You can look at my TSF picture," he generously offered.

"Thank you, big half-brother."

"You're welcome, little half-sister."

And the fans raged at the LukeXLeia reveal of the VN. Oh, how they raged.

"ONORE KOUCADE!" Wavehawk fumed on the Muv-Luv Wiki. "This is all Kouki's fault! That destroyer of worlds!"

_And Sheo Darren was pleased with their fury and reviews, and resolved to continue this fic another day..._

**To be Continued…**


End file.
